Tourist Traps

1. The Cluster F*ck Inn

The place where logic, comfort, and hygiene go to die. Known for its “accidental sleepover” vibe, where you’ll wake up with questionable life choices and someone else’s pants. Free Wi-Fi if you’re lucky. Also, the home of the Shit Show with multiple showings each and every day.

2. Heartweld Hollow

Heartweld Hollow is an enchanted refuge where fog curls like a lullaby and embers pulse with feeling. Step into its soot-kissed stillness and forge your emotions into shimmering keepsakes. Guided by warmth and wonder, this forge soothes the soul and kindles inner resilience. Emotional support here isn’t just offered—it’s woven into every wisp of mist and every strike of the anvil.

3. The Crying Fountain

This fountain never stops weeping. Some say it’s a cursed relic. Others say it’s just the emotional support we all need. Toss in a coin and get nothing but a brief existential crisis and an empty pocket. Perfect for melancholy selfies!

4. The Obsidian Carousel

Ride the carousel of doom! It’s like a normal carousel, but all the horses have trust issues. If the ride doesn’t make you question your life choices, the mysterious operator with too much eyeliner will. Bring a friend—someone has to help you off when you start crying.

5. The Department of Minor Catastrophes

Take a guided tour through government-induced chaos. Watch as the staff files paperwork at the speed of a broken clock. Want to see an accident waiting to happen? Look no further. Don’t forget to pick up your souvenir “I Survived” mug from the gift shop!

6. The Eldritch Petting Zoo

Meet the creatures that shouldn’t exist, but somehow do. Hold a wriggling ball of anxiety that may or may not be your future. It’s like a normal zoo, but with more existential dread and less animal control. Just hope you don’t leave with a new sentient pet.